And to all of the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams. – Hillary Clinton
I have a lump in my throat. I feel sick today.
In the last two years I lost my identity as a career-woman. Essentially, I lost my identity. I was/am a dependent on my husband’s income and his identity. I was a parasite.
This is not to say he is not a feminist or that I am not a feminist.
He wakes up and prepares the morning coffee while I make breakfast. He takes initiative to do tasks around the home. He did not want me to accompany him to Israel because he needed home-cooked food or because as a wife I must accompany him. I accompanied him because I was getting an opportunity to explore a new and interesting country.
As much as I may not want to look at this as a sacrifice of my career while my husband furthered his career, that is exactly what it has resulted in.
Every job interview I give I invariably have to explain my career path and the lack thereof:
My move to a different city – I got married
Move to a different country – my husband’s post-doc
My return to India – my husband’s job
I do it routinely. While I am in the moment I do not put in much thought. On my way back home, in the train, I think back to my responses and it strikes me. The words: My Husband.
The number of times I used those words to explain my career choices. My head reels from that thought.
This is the world we live in.
We say we are feminists until we realise just how sexist we are.
And we are very, very sexist. More than we know it. And that is the problem.
I have not lost hope today because as Hillary said: Now, I know we have still not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling, but someday someone will — and hopefully sooner than we might think right now.
I feel recharged and energised to fight this invisible sexist strain.
I will still have to explain that break in my career, there is no way around it.
But I promise to not find comfort in the fact that my husband has a job, and that we can sustain ourselves even if I do not have a full-time job.
I promise to build a new identity for myself.
I owe this to womanhood. I am with her.
I am glad! I hope you find something good soon.
(the new name is awesome)
Thank you! You noticed the name change 🙂
Very well written,Sus.😊
Best wishes!
Aunty, Thank you so much! 🙂
I identify with your post in so many ways Susmita. While there are days I too wonder why I chose to sacrifice so much, there are days I rejoice in that decision. I am now a part time freelance writer and you should see the contemptous looks people give me when I tell them that. ‘Oh! You are too busy exploring the world while your poor husband works!’. I don’t have the strength to tell them that I pull my weight in a marriage based on equality. So I let them assume what they want. But nowhere do I think I am less equal. I take equal pleasure in cooking a meal as I did sitting in meetings. I enjoy accompanying my husband on the ship just as I did going on lunches with colleagues. I don’t mind settling in a new city and making new friends just as I did when I was unmarried. True feminism, I think, lies in being at peace with whatever decision you take. Not bowing down to what others expect of you. 🙂
Keerat, so true what you have said about not bowing down to what others expect of you. And I just hope and pray that all girls find the strength within them to do what they please and never feel like they must do something because that’s the norm.
Susmita Biswas! I am so proud of you! We know each other for so long and seen each other grow as a person and you have become a fine woman!
I agree with all that you said and as a person living the “my husband/now his mother” life, sometimes I do want to break that glass ceiling and fly away. I hope I can too, someday.
You will find your wings and fly away soon. I promise. Hugs.
Bang on Susmita!I face the same dilemma day in and day out.Hope I am able to find my footing soon!So many strong people here to draw inspiration from..
I love it!
But I want to admit that I’ve always been dreaming of the other side. I finished 5 long yrs of college and joined work the very next day and been working since without a break.
I wish I could afford to live off my husband’s earnings and travel to fancy places and drink wine and paint.
I am jealous of the life you are living and I know you’ll hate me for saying that!
But I know that a ton of intelligence will go wasted if people don’t hire you to do the kind of things that you are doing!
MWah!